falsehood exists. truth does not. many things can be false. falseness does not imply there is anything that can be called truth. this is the essence of 333. "Thought is itself Untrue"
sometimes out of frustration, i curse the model builder within me. i try to do it without closure, but it acts like a closurist, is there any way around this tendency? many times i feel sick of it. there's little sitting down to it can help with. the provisional nature of the model is soon exposed. all models rely on perspective and perspective is never static. all i want is to feel freely (without falsehood). (tell me how much this is to ask!)
...and i am feeling very lost. even the most basic concepts seem vague and unable to be accessed and interfaced with any clarity. why is it that in all my grandiose expressions of ridiculously hastily concluded framework, few if anyone has stepped up to give me advice or simply tell me i'm wrong? i need help like anyone else. and i am so wrong about so many things. has it become distasteful to verbalize your feelings about the world?
... and i feel ugly and sickly and wholly unwanted. i'm not even going to go into this here. but my ego needs a severe revisitation. i've killed the idea of it but the reactions by it linger so deeply.
being broke is not helping. i do not mean like "i have a low bank account". i mean, i literally cannot afford to eat. i spent the entire weekend in a meditative trance. it feels like i got little out of it soever. i feel like i'm holding back a lot of pain, i don't know what to do with it.
this is my last post before i re-construct this web system again. i have finally given it a strict scope so as to file it away and move away from the pointless rigors of programming (what i do for a living).