Cinema
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no one seems to care about other people's darkness.. so i'm just sealing it off until i trust that someone truly is healing seems pretty much a personal thing, trying to help is like a termite trying to assist a NASA mission... the rejection i feel is not really anyone else's concern i guess i only tried to include other's in it because i was too weak to be ok with taking time to disconnect i don't really think it would help anyone heal whenever i include people in the details of it it leads to disaster plus i will not allow the chance of negatively altering relationships beyond my own by saying too much about my observations i've decided instead to just love and not want any expectation/trust bonds i have yet to feel like i can trust someone but i will accept less-involved relationships because there is much value there though it may not be all that plausible for someone like me to want to continue into much deeper waters without including the darkness in the pre-conditional work i guess i was hooked (i guess egoically) on the desire to forge a main partnership with someone i feel like i shou... Journal Entry Disappearance Take 2 Friends
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moving through an aqua channel [not really a river - maybe 30ft across]. come upon an edge ending at an immense waterfall [maybe 10-15 second freefall to the bottom]. group of us are there with some sort of instructor. lizzy is there, speaking about the jump-to-come and the backpak with our already-thrashed food. my heart is throbbing with anticipation [fear of extremely-far freefalls into water is a very common element in my dreams]. most of the group goes over, waiting and watching becomes a difficult endeavor. i am the last in our group besides the instructor to go, another group gathers behind me. i have a strong drive to continue and meditate through the fear. i partially wake-up here as the jump seems to be too intense to stay conscious of the astral sphere. my heart is about to explode from my chest. but i have the sensation of making it: headfirst on the way down like a diving hawk and then a quick switch to feet-down as gravity plunges me into the deep pool at the bottom. upon arriving there it seems like it's a portal and i find myself inside an indoor pool with the group all there... Journal Entry Plunge Dream Friends
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2=1=0! :) all aspects reconcilable... boundaries are temporary illusions... the division is for the chance of union and beyond moral judgement... though i do agree it is harmful for this species to continue its blind faith in the dual, i realize it has gotten us where it has... also, i believe that magick can be used as a tool of nondual training since it seems to me to be simply yoga in reverse ["conquering god" on the flip side of "dissolving into god"... the two directions can be balanced in a harmony]... Journal Entry Dual Reply Yoga Cosmology
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still processing this...... the more i reflect the more amazing it feels.... some highlights: the soundsystem camps were so so pleasing to see out in that setting after years of bay area undergrounds... all my acquaintances from that scene were there... the drugs were amazing and i had some of the prettiest and most intense visions ever.... m3sc4line [first time], 5hr00ms, L25, 2-Ci and K were all in my system by the end of the weekend!... the presence of "the other" was at times so overwhelming at one point i literally thought the campgrounds had shifted and left this planet.... had a run-in with an attendee that ended in a tragic event after i left (there's a big long story i have to tell about this but face-to-face seems best).... the only really negative things i have to say are that the folks could've been a bit more inviting and the parties a bit more engaging (too much of the time i'd be the only person in front of a soundsystem dancing).... oh and much much better selection of music than burningman could ever supply! (dubstep, jungle, breakcore, hardcore, tekno, blackmetal, darkambient and of course "e... Journal Entry AMF13 Journal Autonomous Mutant Festival XIII Friends
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watching the labyrinth walls blueprinting metamorphosis along its way i/o balancing.... [the ego *is* a structure: "false" in its pretenses, "evil" in its raw expression and essentially "hollow" as it may be, it contains a "personality", which is a dualing input/output stream of pure lifeforce] ...all the while viewing this apparent dual as illusory, a cultural artifact... pure lifeforce flow! true will or the guardian angel represents the most proper egoic veil i/o or lifeforce dynamic for the individual in question obtained through surrender of the personality yogic fine tuning (apparent control - Yama) magickal will projection (apparent control - Invocation) but with zero control... Journal Entry starting hir day, rebirth, change fractal cascade Harmony Cosmology