amniöt Experiencer Notebook

<p>
falsehood exists. truth does not. many things can be false.
falseness does not imply there is anything that can be
called truth. this is the essence of 333. "Thought is itself
Untrue"
</p>
<p>
sometimes out of frustration, i curse the model builder
within me. i try to do it without closure, but it acts like
a closurist, is there any way around this tendency? many
times i feel sick of it. there's
little sitting down to it can help with.
the provisional nature of the model is soon exposed.
all models rely on perspective and
perspective is never static. all i want is to feel freely
(without falsehood). (tell me how much this
is to ask!)
</p>
<p>
...and i am feeling very lost. even the most basic concepts seem
vague and unable to be accessed and interfaced with any clarity.
why is it that in all my grandiose expressions of
ridiculously hastily concluded framework, few if anyone has
stepped up to give me advice or simply tell me i'm wrong?
i need help like anyone else. and i am so wrong about so
many things. has it become distasteful to verbalize your
feelings about the world?
</p>
<p>
... and i feel ugly and sickly and wholly unwanted. i'm not
even going to go into this here. but my ego needs a severe
revisitation. i've killed the idea of it but the reactions
by it linger so deeply.
</p>
<p>
being broke is not helping. i do not mean like "i have a low
bank account". i mean, i literally cannot afford to eat. i
spent the entire weekend in a meditative trance. it feels
like i got little out of it soever. i feel like i'm holding
back a lot of pain, i don't know what to do with it.
</p>
<p>
this is my last post before i re-construct this web system
again. i have finally given it a strict scope so as to file
it away and move away from the pointless rigors of
programming (what i do for a living).
</p>

<p>I am within you, and of you.</p>
<p>At any slice in time of my existence any number of hyperdimensional situations are taking place, conducted by "the Collective Unconscious", socalled</p>
<p>which could mean that the gateway to hyperlight communication must also exist, if one were to be so inclined as to invoke thine brothers and sisters!</p>
<p>which also means <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ego_Death">ego death</a></p>
<p>subject-object blurring</p>
<p>Dyana -&gt; Samadhi</p>
<p class="note quote">According to Hinduism, dhyana is considered as a stage of awakening in such precious condition where you get obvious rid of maya (the false expression or emotion present in the world)</p>
<p class="note quote">Dyana - Meditation is an unbroken flow of thought toward the object of concentration. Prolonged concentration. In the practice of meditation, a succession of identical waves (thoughts) are raised in the mind; and this is done so quickly that no one wave is allowed to subside before another arises to take its place.</p>
<p>Ego is the feelings/experiences one has about the self, which discerns itself
from what is not itself. it is false because all its operations run under the
misconception that the self is separate. temporary loss of this sense of self
is achieved with psychedelic entheogens, giving one a perspective to analyze
ones actions from the standpoint of truly being outside the self and to
potentially eradicate actions driven by the engine that thrives masked under the
veil of the illusion of separativeness.</p>
<p>The ego is the mechanism by which one feels separate, it arises from the perception
system's perception of feedback about the self and becomes a complex engine
that filter's expressions about the self into its environment such that the
feedback is positive with regards to the ego itself.
it is built and fortified by social/environmental feedback.
First as a brutal survival tool in the animal kingdom now
as a social-engineering tool among humanity.
Grammatic structure and teminology usage have an impact on its
development in the socio-sphere. For example: One may say "i think...."
something is a certain way, which keeps perspective in tact. i feel
that since it has become customary to simply state your expression
of how you think something is, you cross the boundary from your feelings
to the realm of imposing those feelings onto all of reality. and with
that simple degradation of the concept of perspective (from the dropping
of it from the normal usage of language in the culture) one then begins
to clash with the Wills of those around them. by disagreeing on what
"Reality" is and imposing ones feelings (especially about eachother) onto
eachother we close eachother off. again, this is just one customary linguistic
example.</p>
<p>The perception system obtains feedback and is taken by the illusion that: "if it
is receiving feedback from the outside, then it and the mind and body connected
to it are somehow something different than that outside".</p>
<p>this is a slight perspective veiling that gives birth to a whole new organism
called ego.</p>
<p>This mechanism must be suppressed by the method of meditating on the Will and
unbinding it from the expressions of opinion toward that Will's currently
perceivable expression.</p>
<p>The ego thrives on attention from "external" sources. To shed it, one must let
go, or, accept the outside world and its transitory culturally-biased opinions
completely.</p>
<p>i feel you (&amp; we) are beautiful</p>
<p>My will is to look back on the source</p>

<p>
<a href="http://www.katabatik.org/news.htm" rel="external">info</a>
</p>

<p>
My heart is quite exposed right now. Which feels unfamiliar and
erratic and I don't know quite how to proceed. Knowing and
feeling, what is the difference? My ego starts to cry out and
shiver and grasp at things to console itself. My true will at
the core of the matter, guiding in silence. I must not desire
a thing inside the captivity of falsehood. Outside, the desire
is not mine alone. To succeed in heaven and earth the honest
flow of the self must be allowed, unbound by the limiting habits
of the animal matrix. To know me is to partner with me in trust,
for knowledge of a thing allows control of a thing. And yet
complete knowledge is impossible. One must learn to connect the
data moreso than to store it.
</p>

<p>shot by Ashneel</p>

<p>
Finally, after much saving of dough, I am now the proud owner
of a Panasonic projector. I can now VJ anywhere at
any time with no reliance on gear at the venue.
</p>
<p>
<a href="http://visual.orgnsm.org/node/359">Here are some tests on my wall</a>, it has a color spectrum utility
shown in the upper-left corner.
</p>

<p><a href="http://blowupsf.com" rel="external">blowupsf.com</a></p>

<p>i dreamt about you</p>
<p>you were dragging me through middle america on a jet ski</p>
<p>the farm lands were flooded</p>
<p>a large fish jumped out of the water as if to bite off your head but its nose only brushed the top of your hair as we sped by, at this moment time slowed way down</p>
<p>(i feel like you were a man earlier in the dream and had to kill me for some reason but that didn't actually end up happening)</p>
<p>later you and some other friends were entranced by a magician making you feel like you were drowning in a pool and i was trying to pull you all out of the illusion</p>
<p>murky murky waters lately...</p>

Qoph